Dear Jack

Dear Jack,

How is it possible that five years have passed since I held you in my arms as your heart sounded its final beat? How is it possible that my heart has continued to beat the last 1,825 days? Time feels so different since you died. Yes, years come and go and can be counted, but time feels oddly stationary. As if it’s incomprehensible that life could continue on without you. When I think back to something that happened in the past and want to assign “years since,” I have to remind myself to add the number of years since January 5, 2014 to my starting point. That first year after you died, I was hyper-focused on the passage of time. Each day, week, and month wasn’t solely a measure of how long you’d been gone, but a measure of another day, week, and month that I survived without you. And survived, I have.

Someone recently shared information with me about an online support group for parents of children with special needs who have died. While I appreciated that she reached out to me, my response was, “I’m doing okay.” Admitting that I’m doing okay since you died carries an element of risk. I risk that people will interpret my healing to mean that I’m no longer grieving, that I have “moved on,” that they don’t need to ask how I’m doing, or say your name. I will always grieve your absence, Jack. I miss you so much I ache. I will always appreciate when people ask me how I’m doing and I love hearing your name. I will forever wear the blanket of grief. Some days it weighs heavier than others. 

But my sweet boy, I am doing okay. I’m doing okay because I know without a doubt that you are okay. Your last heartbeat on earth was immediately followed by your first soulbeat in heaven. Your spirit soared and lives on. I know this. On those days when I need to hear from you, I simply ask and you answer. I hear you in the clouds, on the trail, in every perfectly timed text message, email, and card I receive. Rumi reminds us that “There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.” That is as much true now as it was during your lifetime. You taught me to listen to the voice in your eyes. I use what you taught me to listen for you now. 

Over the last five years, I’ve slowly converted your room into my space. The room that was always filled with people, commotion, joy, and enormous love has become a quiet, peaceful place. Love still permeates the air. When I sit on the couch where your bed once was, I envision the room through your eyes. I smile. I cry. I feel your presence. While much of your room has changed, some things remain untouched. The last videos you watched still sit on top of the DVD player. The monitor sits on the floor, still plugged in. 

           

I’ve given away or tossed most of your equipment and supplies. But there are some things that remain. Your wheelchair sits parked in your shower along with your Ryan House bin that still holds everything we left Ryan House with when we left without you. Your bedside dresser holds fifteen years worth of your glasses. I feel no compulsion to get rid of these things. They are sacred to me. The pants you were wearing when you died are carefully folded in your dresser drawer, still holding the faintest scent of you. On those days when I ache to hold you, I pull the pants out of the drawer, hold them close to my face and draw in your scent. And I sob.

One of the greatest gifts you left me with is my circle of friends. They are why I can keep on keeping on. The people who supported us throughout your life are still here, supporting me. My sorority sisters, your nurses, your doctors, and so many others who cared for us during your lifetime. Even though I'm no longer in the trenches caring for you, I haven't been abandoned. It's so hard to be on the outside looking in. But our people continue to embrace me. Who would have guessed that I'd hike the Grand Canyon with two of your nurses and other moms I met because they have kids like you. Who would have guessed that I'd find myself in your neurologist's kitchen eating breakfast, that she made me! Or that I'd be writing a book with another one of your doctors. Even in your absence, you continue to widen my circle of friends as I meet and walk with other parents whose children have died. You touched people Jack and because of your incredible reach, I am surviving.

As I try to wrap up this note of meandering thoughts, I recognize that I’m really writing this to myself. I need to hear these words, you do not. Perhaps that’s the hardest part about this journey -  knowing that you no longer need me. You live on without your mom. That’s a hard one. Equally as hard is that I must live on without you. A few months ago, I read these words and they really spoke to me: “Nobody can will their heart to beat even once. Every heartbeat is a gift from God and means he’s not done with you yet.”

Five years ago, my beautiful son, you finished your work here on earth and your heart stopped beating. You have been released to your heavenly Home. My heart still beats. I have more work to do. You changed me, Jack. Who I am and all I do is because you lived. My work is really “our” work. You light my way. Sustained by your indomitable spirit, guided by your light, and with an eye always towards the day I get to be with you again, I will continue to grieve, I will continue to say your name, I will continue to do our work, and I will continue to push Onward. 

And I will be okay. 

I love you. I miss you. I am thankful for the fifteen years I had you. 

xoxo 
Mom

4.5 Years Closer

July 5, 2014 - Six months since Jack died. It was a hard day. Mark and the kids were all out of town and I was home alone. It was a day of gut-wrenching, bring me to my knees cries of grief like I hadn’t experienced to that point and haven’t experienced since.

July 5, 2018 – Four years, six months since Jack died. Today, I feel more at peace.  

When your child dies, time is forever measured. In the beginning, time is measured in terms of how long he’s been gone. One week, one month, six months, one year since I last held him. Over the last four years, my perspective has shifted. I now measure time in terms of how much closer I am to seeing him again. It’s no longer four years, six months since I last held him; it’s four years, six months closer to seeing him again. This perspective is life-saving. It’s how I continue to breathe, and survive, and thrive in his absence. I’d give anything to have never had to let him go, but I live with the confidence that each day is one day closer to being with him again.

Recently, I received a message from a friend that said,

“You post a lot of profound statements, makes me think I don’t know you near as well.”

She asked me how I have changed since Jack died.

How have I changed since Jack died?

Jack changed me profoundly when he was living. But after he died, well, my heart cracked wide open. I feel life more deeply, more spiritually, more compassionately, more everything. Life is just MORE now. I can’t explain it other than to say that I feel Jack’s spirit in me. All that was good about Jack – and Jack was ALL good – fills my heart and my head in ways that I tangibly feel. It’s a feeling that overwhelms me at times. I’m an emotional mess most of the time. I’m in tears often. I hurt when other people hurt. And I know so many people who are hurting. The trajectory of my life completely changed because Jack lived and, even in death, he continues to lead me to people and in ways I never imagined. Jack was as pure a soul as they come and his spirit challenges me every single day to live a life reflective of his goodness. 

My relationship with God has changed profoundly. I am more spiritual. I have little tolerance for religion. I feel a much deeper connection with God than ever before. I have absolutely no fear of death. I recently penned out a short piece I titled “Because He Has My Son” about my changed relationship with God and religion since Jack died. I’m not yet prepared to share it (don’t know that I ever will be), but if I’m meant to share it, I’ll know when. 

I think that's the biggest change for me since Jack died - the overwhelming feeling of being led. In simple ways and in bigger ways. I feel led to act, to write, to share. It doesn’t come from me, it comes from God or Jack or some other force. All I do is say “Yes”. I'm learning to listen, trust, and allow. Because what do I have to lose? I've already lost what is most precious to me - my child. Great suffering leads to great freedom. Freedom to follow your heart. Freedom to take risks. With freedom comes peace. 

So today, four years and six months closer to being with Jack again, I still miss him, I still ache for him, and I still cry for him. But with my heart cracked wide open, I feel more deeply, I care more deeply, I love more deeply, and I live more freely. I listen, I trust, I allow. And I say "Yes" to any opportunity that allows me to reflect the grace, goodness, and great love that was my sweet Jack.   

Onward it is.